Thursday, December 10, 2009

Two Years

730 days ago I woke up sober. I have managed to stay sober since then. That makes today my birthday. There will be cake, preferably chocolate. With cream cheese frosting.

Exactly two years ago -- and for a long time before then -- my life was in absolute tatters. Desperation, depression, panic and quiet denial were all I knew. Hope was at best a distant memory. I generally regarded solitude, comfort and serenity as oblique and beautiful ideas as far removed from reality as really poorly written science fiction. Inner peace, I fathomed, was something you could only achieve in death and maybe not even then.

There are no echoes of that lost-empty outlook now. These days, the world seems a brilliant place to be. Sure, its occasionally shitty for everyone. People are still just people and, people are often assholes. And bad things continue to happen to people who cannot possibly deserve the wrath of man or nature or god or whatever. All that is exactly the same and perhaps it always will be. It's my outlook that has changed. I no longer rail endlessly over the raw injustice of the world, content to sit miserably on my ass as though my self-righteous rage might somehow forgive my own sins. I like to think, instead, about what I can change. I like to think that when I'm lucky enough to wake up in the morning, I may have the opportunity to help someone in some small way. And sometimes that opportunity does come, even if all I can do is smile. Because sometimes, someone will smile back, and while -- in the scale of the universe -- a stranger's smile is tiny and inconsequential, I was there to witness it. And that is good enough for me.

Today has been a good day, and as its now 11:20pm I think its safe to say I'll make it to 731 days sober. Which is only two days away from a prime number. So I got that going for me, which is nice.


  1. Peffy -

    Happy Birthday! I am so deeply proud of you and all you have been able to accomplish in the last 2 years. I know that good opportunities will continue to come your way.

    Your birthday present is at mom's (although I think I forgot to wrap it).

    I love you tons and tons. Call me soon.

    The best little sister ever (way better than Tracy)

  2. Well well well.

    Let me start by saying that I love your writing and it is so amazing to hear you talk about the change that we have all witnessed. As I told you on your birthday, when I actually took the time and called you to sing happy birthday to you, I am so proud of you and I couldn't be happier to have you back! You are so special!

    Now, to address your other sister... she is a snach. We both know that I am the best sister and she just said that because she felt bad (rightfully so) about not remembering the special day where we all got you back in our lives. No big deal...

    Much love little brother face,

    a.k.a Awesomest and Favorite Little Sister

  3. Wow, it must suck to have your adorable baby sisters fighting over you! (Which one IS your favorite? Come on, fess up Peffy.)

    I'm also so full of pride I could burst. And so happy to be a part of your new life.

    Finally, if my present does not get there today, I'm going to whomp some ass at USPS!

  4. I am and always have been his favorite. No doubt about it...